You Can't Raise A Man And Your Children Too

As long as I live, I will never understand women that say they want a "man" but they tend to choose a male person that needs to be raised.  This is in addition to the children these women already have.  What's mind boggling for me is the fact that these "so-called" men need help in every aspect of their life.  I really mean EVERY aspect.  IF you have to tell a grown 30 year old man that he needs to shower EVERY day...ahhh that's a problem.  If this "man" sits up and plays video games with your kids all day or his friends....that's a problem.  If you have to have to give that man sleeping in YOUR bed money to get around with or put gas in YOUR car.  that's a problem.

All the while your children are watching this unfold and you wonder why your kids are out of control?  They figure, if my mom allows a man to come in over us and take from my mom and us, why should we respect him or her.  Now, that's NOT an excuse for your child to be disrespectful of their parent, ever!  But if you as a woman can't distinguish between a man or a boy then let me make it simple for you.  A M.A.N. means Meets All Needs whereas a B.O.Y. means Burden On You.  Just think about it.  If you have a man living in your house that isn't contributing to it financially and helping to give structure to your children nor even helping to keep the place clean, why is he there?  If it's for the physical comfort...you can get that anywhere and not ever have to bring it home.  Why should you be struggling and then bring someone else in to increase your struggle.  By the way selling drugs out of your home isn't contributing because he just put your life and your kids life in jeopardy.

As a mom, being given the opportunity to bring a child into this world is the greatest gift that God could give you.  It IS your responsibility to keep that child safe, to nurture and teach him/her, to support them and expose them to the endless opportunities that are available to help them be productive citizens.

If you can't find a MAN to be the support and help mate that you and your kids need, then you might consider not pushing so much to "get" a man that's ultimately will be aurden on you but to instead put focus on yourself and your family.  It's hard enough to get your kids into the habit of bathing, brushing teeth, using deodorant, washing and wearing clean clothes, cleaning their room and/or the kitch.  AND now you have to tell the person sharing your bed these things too?!  Say what?!!!  This is NOT the way that relationship should go.  You shouldn't have to be on your kids and your man too about the same things.  By the way, if you are claiming to have a "date night" and it only happens when YOU get paid, then that's not a date night.  I'm just saying, how can you say he's taking you out for date night with your money, driving your car and paying for the meal with your money.  Get a grip and get strong.  Stop allowing yourself to be used for a 30 second "feel good" feeling and when you come down from that, you still have bills to pay and another mouth to feed.  Raise your children, not someone else.  Apparently, you didn't get the memo!

Don't Force It...Spandex Isn't For Everyone

So I agreed to post about women and spandex.  Talking to a friend of mine and talking about what she has seen even at the bar scenes had me cracking up. It would seem that there are a lot of women that "Didn't Get The Memo."   I know that since the inception of stretch pants, spandex has become the "norm" for all women.  However, not ALL women should be in spandex especially when your have a all of THAT showing.  Y'all know what I am talking about.

Yes spandex made it easier for some of those bodies to fit into a pair of leggings.  But your friend or man should have told you that when the material is stretched so far over all of that...so everyone can see every crack (yes I said every crack) then that's just not a good look.  Worse still is the fact that many will wear tops that they "think" accentuates their dunk a dunk when in fact everyone is talking about it.  Here's the deal ladies, sometimes you have girlfriends that just won't tell you the truth. Rather than saying you need a longer top over that or better yet put on some real slacks, they will say, "Girl, that look fine."  That could be one of two reasons for that; either they want you to look like they are looking or they know that if you are looking ragged the men will look at her.  Just being real here.  Despite what you think, men appreciate "imagining" what they are gonna get, not seeing it out there and everybody else is looking at it.  f a man was going to "holla" at you, when he sees that he may just turn and run the other way.  So guess what, you just lost out!

Men you must be real with your woman.  If you have the least bit of respect for yourself, don't take your woman out with her girls all out. (Trust me if they are big enough, we can't miss them anyway) and for goodness sakes don't have everyone gawking over how your woman is indecently and inappropriately dressed.  They may not say anything to you, but how many times have I been in the company of couples and when one of the ladies excuses herself to go to the ladies room, the conversation starts up.  "Girl do you see what she has on? I would be caught dead in that!  ow did he let her come out her looking like that?"  This is from other plus size women.  ut guess what, when she returns, they just smile and act as if nothing is wrong.

You are probably saying how do I bring up the subject?  Well very delicately for sure, especially if it's someone that can't handle constructive feedback.  Has anyone tried send an anonymous note?  I don't know what the answer is but I do know that man will say to me, "Babe that's not a good look."  I may get pissed at him ...for the moment but I appreciate him telling me when I am around others and they are getting the "look."

What happened to women dressing grown and sexy without trying to compete for someone their children's age.  All clothing is not made for every body type.  Hey as much as I wanted to wear "skinny jeans" I don't have a skinny jeans body.  So I passed on that!  Please don't tell me that they didn't have it in a larger size.  The amount of money you spent for the outfit, they had a larger size of it wasn't for you to get that outfit on that day.  By the way this goes for smaller frames as well.  Sometimes your stuff is so tight till you might as well not have anything on.  Get a larger size, the right size and be comfortable.  Besides baking brad in those tight pants isn't good at all!  What's baking bread?  A huge yeast infection!

Your Last day On The Job....

What is it about companies that feel that the "best" way to help an employee is to show them the door?  They spend money on having trainings on DISC profile, Myers Briggs,, Candidate Profile Testing, Career Guidance all for sake of what?  What is the point of having a diversity and inclusion team?  Is this simply an activity of something to do?  What is tragic is when you really don't take the time to try and understand, before being understood.  How is one suppose to know that they are doing something wrong when they aren't told.  Exam: An employee was walked off the property shortly after arriving to work.  She enjoyed the work, really like the boss but was told that someone (her immediate supervisor) felt intimidated by the employee's tone and didn't like how she talked to people.  Really?   The employee never had been talked to about this issue.  What was the real deal? You have a good worker but because someone is direct when responding to you, is this how you deal with a situation like this?  Yes the boss was caucasian and the employee of another ethnic group..  

When do bosses stop and look at what value the employee brings to the table instead of always painting them as "difficult to work with" "being afraid" "don't understand that group of people" etc.  It's no secret that companies are going after diverse ethnicities in order to boost business.  However, if you don't take the time to really understand people that are not like you... homogenous, then you are always going to miss the boat.  I am continually amazed when some of my clients tell me stories of how their white colleagues or bosses try and use slang language with them.  Calling them "girlfriend" or "Sista girl"  "hey dude or fella"is never appropriate.  What you may hear one ethnic group say doesn't give you the right to use it, no matter what the situation.  The big issue here is knowing how to talk to different individuals and establishing ground rules with them all.  How is someone suppose to know if you feel threatened if you both are talking but one person hits the desk with their hands and you say, "i was expressing myself."

What happened to companies that REALLY value diversity, people that think outside of the box?  Instead what you see are more companies where one CEO leaves a company and bring along his/her entire entourage.  They end up doing the same things at the new company that they did at the old one.  Sometimes this works (for a short time) but how about getting some "new" blood in there that thinks differently.  What's the harm in starting with a fresh pair of eyes?  They say they don't  want micromanaging but that's exactly what happens.  They say they want people to "own" their business, their piece of the dirt but instead they are steadily kicking the door in on them.  What's worse is the hype they believe about certain ethnic groups.  Not all Asians are financial wizard, not all people from India are computer geeks, not all blonds are dumb and not all black people are angry and lazy.  How about judging each person on who they are individually.  Get to know them and not clump them all in one group.  You also need to vet your mid-level, senior level and C-level management teams.  How many times has someone made a comment based on a personal interaction that THEY had and influenced others.  Shame on those that decided to believe the story without vetting the person or gathering more information before making a decision that affected that person's life.  How would you feel it that happened to you or one of your love ones?  Too much power is given to one person that people favor for whatever reason.  Stop listening to what your managers are telling you and get off your duff and find out what's happening in your company.  When you pull back that onion layer you will be surprised to see what's hiding behind it and truth and transparency isn't it.

Surprise. Surprise, Surprise-Your Mid-Year Review

The year has flown by!  You feel that you have had a very productive first 6 months.  Why wouldn't you think that?  After all, you haven't gotten any negative feedback about your work.  In fact you haven't gotten ANY feedback at all.  No news is good news... right?  So imagine your surprise when you sit down with your manager to do a semi-annual review of your performance on the job and be blindsides by what he/she has to say.  Initially, you can't focus on what is being said to you because you are trying to wrap your head around where is this coming from?  Why is this the first time you are hearing all of the negative things that you are being told.  How did this happen?  What the what is going on?  Sound familiar?  It happens more often that many people realize.  What's worse is that you are being told that you are being placed on a performance improvement plan (PIP) and you have 90 days to turn things around or you are looking at termination.  You are frustrated, angry, disappointed and frankly pissed off that you are just learning about these areas that need improvement.  Where was the manager when these so-called job deficiencies started going south?  Why weren't you counseled and made aware of the fact that you weren't cutting the mustard?  Shouldn't an employee know where they stand at all times?  Jack Welch said that he believes that every employee should know where they stand at all times.  Performance reviews should never be a surprise to an employee.  They deserve to know at all times where they stand with their job performance. 

Many times circumstances affect an employee's performance.  They could have had a death in the family, a job change, a divorce, a sickness or a sick close family member.  Maybe it could be something where their skills are not being utilized or the position isn't challenging enough.  It could even be as simple as with many companies restructuring it may have caused some employees to take on a very different role.  In cases such as this, many times the employee isn't adequately trained or there is no training at all.  No employer should ever think that because they have a high performing employee that they can just walk into another position and know exactly what to do.  Whatever the case, every employee deserves to be heard, counseled, provided the necessary training in order for them to be successful in the role. 

So whose fault is this?  The employee?  The boss?  Or is there equal blame?  I certainly believe that it falls upon both parties but the employee can't correct a deficiency if they aren't aware of it.  Don't believe the hype that it's easier to get rid of an employee and hire someone "more" suitable for the role.  Companies have a lot of costs involved in hiring and training a new employee.  Unfortunately, many managers don't look beyond the flaws and work to help get the employee on the right track.  I'd like to hear your story.